Conflict is a part of any relationship, but how we handle it can determine the health of our relationships. Sometimes we become familiar with what we can and cannot get away with in certain relationships and we find a way to work within those parameters in a way that gets us through the day. Getting along with a co-worker or fellow church member may require a different level of tact than we see in friendships and between family members. However, there are familiar patterns that are distinguishable in either setting. So, let's talk about what not to do and then delve into the details of these ways of relating with others that are often called toxic or difficult.
How we are raised in our family of origin often sets the tone for how we will handle conflict. Whether a parent was emotionally absent or aggressively present, we either become what is modeled for us; or we actively seek to become the opposite. From either position it will become necessary to form an awareness of what communication style we subscribe to and seek out the healthy vs. the unhealthy. In relationship with others, it becomes glaringly obvious how we fare. There is one surefire way to cause a disruption of a relationship; refuse to communicate! In a world where social media and technology are the main way of moving and interacting in relationships, it becomes easy to label text messages and memes, and group invites as communication. Offense can arise from either party and be compounded by our refusal to communicate about the specific issue that caused the conflict. There is no substitute for communication in resolving conflict. Other options may give the allure of a solution, but these options only compound the issue.
Another way to ensure further damage to a relationship, is to recruit flying monkeys. This term is often used to describe a tactic of a narcissist, but also can apply to the common, garden variety gossip. When someone prone to gossip is offended or perceives offense, they may feel the need to get others to join them against the party they believe has wronged them. Though this can feel comforting in the moment and make a person feel less alone, it magnifies the conflict. James 1:26 tells us of the dangers of not bridling our tongue. In any circumstance, it is always a better option to have an objective, trusted person or a licensed therapist to help us sort out our emotions and find solid ground. Once the relationship is repaired and proper communication is restored, we do not want to have to repair multiple relationships that gossip has damaged. It is often very difficult to build back trust with a group of people who have previously rallied against us. Recruiting people to have our backs, feels like the right thing to do in the moment, but it has lasting ramifications.
A compounding element of detriment to a healthy relationship is making the decision to sweep conflict under the rug. Who hasn't tried this tactic? We pretend nothing happened to soften the blow to our senses, while it often leaves the person on the other side of this scenario, dazed and confused. Pretense with a side of avoidance please. Maybe they will forget? If it provides us with a sense of stability and maintains the bare minimum of connection, it can seem like a win. It feels like a solid line of defense to pretend we aren't hurting and pretend they aren't hurting. What could possibly be the downside here? The downside is, nothing is resolved, trust is slowly eroded, the rug has a visible bulge building underneath in the shape of offense, resentment and disillusionment. While we have our broom out, we would do well to find the dustpan. What is a broom without a dustpan? Alone with a pile of dirt that only serves as a tripping hazard.
An additional, unpleasant component of conflict is emotional sabotage. It is usually called upon by victim mentality, ignorance, fear or malice; all with deleterious effects. Emotional sabotage tactics can take many forms, such as insults, name calling, gaslighting, stonewalling, passive aggression and of course the very popular guilt trip. Who hasn't taken a guilt trip gifted to them by someone they love? Most of us have and have re-gifted that same guilt trip. Intergenerational gifts are truly the epitome of the gift that keeps giving. At least until that scape goat or black sheep decides to decline. That is a different post for a different day. Then there are, what I like to call, emotional flash bangs. These arsenal style weapons are meant to stun and distract from actual facts. It happens fast and furious and is stranger than fiction, in an, I know what you did last summer, freaky Friday and oh, that girl with the dragon tattoo, kind of way? Confused? Exactly. It becomes about feelings and all things subjective. It becomes about anything other than objective, factual information regarding the relevant topic or infraction. When it gets to this point, some tissue, an intermission and "phone a therapist" option may need to be used. Eminem says it best in the lyrics of one of his popular songs; " I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like". While emotions can be a great guide in a healthy, regulated system, they are often poor judges of all things, in a dysregulated system built around defense mechanisms and distrust. Feeling a little off balance? Well, let's move on before you get your bearings.
Anyone who has ever been in church for any period of time has most likely experienced spiritual bypassing. In fact, it may be the cause of a lot of church hurt. Hmm... I wonder if church hurt, incorrect ways of handling conflict and estrangement in personal relationships and in the body of Christ have any parallels? Yet another topic for another post. Spiritual bypassing, as well meaning as it may be, is unhelpful. How many have shared a broken heart, only to receive a mini sermon on forgiveness? How many have confided mental health struggles, only to be told that lack of faith is the problem. How many have exposed a vulnerability only to be met with, let go and let God? How many have disclosed an abusive situation only to receive prayer and bad advice? I am a believer and my heart toward the hurting is not a persecution of the church, but rather a call to attention for believers to grow and mature as disciples and followers of Christ. Spiritual bypassing can lead people away from the church and it hurts the heart of God when one is astray. He has made it clear that He will leave the 99 and go after the one. If you are the one who finds yourself contemplating your faith, considering deconstruction or deconversion because of the pain inflicted by a Christian, consider sitting with a therapist who has been the one, afraid to go back into a church. We were created for relationship.
Refusing to communicate, recruiting others to be on our side against someone else, sweeping conflict under the rug, bringing emotional sabotage to the table and engaging in spiritual bypassing are all burdened with destructive consequences for relationships. Though this is not an exhaustive list, it gives us a starting guide to what not to do and what not to accept from others who say they want repair and engage destructively. Low-contact or no-contact is warranted under some circumstances. This becomes evident in the usually patterned way someone handles conflict. When this is the case, we sometimes have to make the difficult decision to love from a distance. The amount of distance is something that should be prayerfully considered. When we have done what we can do as far as it depends on us (Romans 12:18), it may be time to let go of the need to fix it.