Faith or Fear of Being Left Behind

September 1993

 I am reading David Wasmundt's, "Neo Phariseeism". I spent most of my day reading and didn't put the book down until I had finished reading it. It has helped me consider and understand some things. I talked to my mom for a little while. We talked about church and standards which seems to be the subject a lot these days. I don't know where to go to church. God knows I would do anything to please him. That includes wearing ankle length skirts, wrist length sleeves, not cutting my hair or wearing jewelry, but I don't think that is what He expects of me. I love the Lord with my whole heart. this change in church has been painful. Lord help me.

Present Day Reflection

Still a teenager, trying to figure out if this God that comforts me and helps me cope, cares at all about what I wear. Is holiness about the clothes? That seems like a cheat code. The things that I had been taught about church and God ran parallel with my traumatic experience in life and relationships. So many people seemed to be preoccupied with what it looked like and completely unaware or maybe uninterested in the things that cause deep destruction to the psyche and human soul. It didn't seem to matter what it really was, only what it looked like. My wounds were deep. I had learned early on that mothers can leave, families can fracture and belonging can disappear. If the church was wrong about holiness what else might they be wrong about? If I questioned it, would I still be accepted? This was an attachment crisis wrapped inside a theological one.

Question:

What happens when what we have believed is holiness begins to obscure the one who is Holy? Was my questioning and pursuit driven by a desire for holiness or fear of being left behind?