I Love the Way You Lie

February 23, 2010

I practice your presence, I feel you, yet I still live my life in guilt and fear. I am not good enough. This is a season of life where I am realizing the residual effects of abuse and trauma and how it changed the way my thinking was formed. I am considering going to Mississippi for Spring break, but my mind wanders... I am trying to gain my mother's approval before I even get there. I live with the fear that somehow I may do something that she is not pleased with and her participation in my life will cease. I love her so much and would do anything for her even if she never does anything for me. I don't want her to feel pressure or conditions. I sacrifice myself. Why? I want to be seen and loved, flaws and all. He said if I ever told anyone that she wouldn't love me anymore. Are my thought processes still tangled in the words of a predator? Lord I am hoping that you see me; really see me. The Bible says you see my heart, yet I only have surface level understanding of what that really means. What do you see? I work so hard to be good enough; to be godly. I feel like a pretzel. My mind is in chaos. I fear. I recognize you, yet something really significant is missing. I have believed that I am no longer broken, but the elephant is still in the room. I have been fighting a battle that shouldn't have been a battle. I am tired of having to earn love. To ask for anything or to have a need feels like weakness; a condition. I want people in my life to know they have my love even if they never love me back. How stupid am I? Please uproot the lies that I have hidden in my heart disguised as truth. Help me see what you see. 

Present Day Reflection

Much of my life was organized around the fear of abandonment. I thought that I could secure belonging with self-sacrifice. The words and behavior of a predator had formed much of my worldview and my beliefs about love and connection. I knew God was present, but I wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean beyond comfort and coping. I did find what was missing. It didn't happen overnight, it happened in small consistent shifts over time and in relationship that didn't disappear when I failed.

Question:

What happens when the voices that shaped our wounds is louder than the truth that we are loved and He never leaves.